Making decision

I am a realistic and a very very very passionate kind of person. This was written in me when I was born as a scorpio. If I have passion of something, I will try to get it at all cost (money) as my mother once said. This is because I don't regards money very much if compared the the passion. At that moment, I am not thinking with head anymore but with THE heart. This has caused me a lot of problems.

The latest was before I went home for holidays on October this year. When I came here to study, I wanted to do a very best research in my lifetime. I though that PhD is the end of my academia's life. But then, I was and am frustrated to find this laboratory that I am now is a very safe laboratory. I am sure to graduate with the scroll and with a few articles published in the international journal. However, the methodology, the findings and the techniques are all not as I wanted.

As usual, I rebelled. It affected my study. When I went back to Malaysia, I quarelled with the the person that I always rely on. Life was sucks. I was like a molecule of an atom that is in agitated condition. Even the realistic me was very schocked of my passionate me but couldn't do anything.

Then again, the holidays really give me something to ponder upon. Talking to my mother face to face did touch my heart a little. We talked and she tried to see my problem from my point of view. That was when I told her that I will stay in Japan if somebody tell me something that I want to hear.

I called and asked most people who really cares about my academics success. Everybody somehow were saying the same thing. Stay for the future! But for different reasons. One day my friend, Kannan asked me to make a desicion because if not I will keep looking for an answer. And wasting time. I told him "I will after 3 weeks".

At the end of week three, I searched for Esah contact. The person that I want to talk to but afraid of the outcome of our so called discussion. She always talk from the heart with full passion. I called and we talked. She understood my passion. She understood my frustration. And she eventually touched my heart.

The desicion is that I will stay here for myself but not for the passion. I will seek the passion elsewhere. I will do the researches because I love it and wanted to publish some articles, but not because this is the last time I will go through this academia's life.

With God's will (I think He has answered my prayer), I will make do with this problems and turn them into opportunities....(^_^)!

Life with a purpose

I think the best way to live this life is to have a purpose. In science we call it objective. We may have more than one objective but at least one if we wants to start a research. Then, we can consider this life as a field that we want to perform a research. One of the objective is to achive the better of us. I always say that once we reach the best of us, then it is time we will leave this world. Therefore, have a goals, reach to the most of people, forgive ourself and others, be the best person we can and we can leave peacefully!

Problems or opportunities?

As a human being, we are not perfect. Most of us try to and wanted to be one. Me? I wanted to be the best person on earth. The best daughter that my parents can have and the best person anybody can get to know.

Then again, I am not perfect. Deep down in my heart I know that I am not.

What can I tell here is there is always bad and good me. There will be some arguments in my head; should I or shouldn't I. Consciousness. It was just that sometimes I manage to overcome the bad thought. Anyhow, it is still the same me who is doing thinking. Thus, for me I have to accept the real me. I am not good enough because I am a human being; nor god neither angel.

My dear Esah

I wanted to dedicated this post to her, my dear friend. She brought inspirations to my life. She look up life like no other people had shown it to me. she do not let me see the world through her lenses but mine. She is my inspiration (^-^)!!!


She's not brought up as a spoon fed girl though she's supposed to earn that, easily. Her childhood is not a fairy tale. She lost her dad in a very early age, when she was 3 years old. Not just that, at 4, Esah learned that she has to walked on this earth with the help of two sticks. Nevertheless, it never made her less. Thanks to her mom who is the real pillar of her life, the fate has just make her more.


In her early life, I never know her. I guessed it must be difficult. She used to travel by bus to the school. Yes, her mother needs to make a living and cannot afford to send and pick her up . I believed that she wanted to built Esah self confident by being tough on her. It did.

Esah enjoys her school days life with lots of friends and a group of "bestest" friends. Her gangs will always be there for her no matter what. She studied in the best school of her hometown which was quite far from her house. She pulled herself through the academia's life and now is a PhD holder, from the best university in London. This is all because Esah believe that she is not second compared to other kids. She did that by being herself and stand for herself. At 32 years old, she proved it. Congratulations!!!


I really love her (*-*)....thanks Esah for being a part of mylife!!!

Friends?

Do you know what is the definition of friend? How many categories of friend that exists in this so called world? Do you know who is your friends? Or would they remain as your friends?

Last night I make a called to a friend, a long lost friend. I consider myself a lucky person to have such a friend. I have not make any contact with her for about a year. But anyhow we remain friend. She still love me as the last time I can remember. She is still passionate about me and my well being. And I for her.

She has made a lot of progress as a person. She has changed and mature a lot but for the goodness of herself. Deep down, I believed she is still the same person who smiled at me the first time we met at a boarding school.

We don't send gift to each other. We don't wish happy birthday each year. Nevertheless, we called, we contact and we connect with each other. And with a tons of LOVE.

Bagaimana menghadapi cabaran?

Aku tanyakan soalan ini bukan untuk tatapan atau perbincangan. Akan tetapi persoalan ini adalah untu diriku. Dah puas aku berfikir dalam beberapa bulan kebelangkangan ini. Samada aku mahu teruskan pengajian di sini atau berhenti. Aku sebenarnya dalam kebingungan yang teramat, kekusutan. Tentu teman-teman disekeliling tidak percaya jika aku katakan aku tidak berjejak pada bumi dan tidak berpaut pada langit.

Sebagai seorang manusia yang di lahirkan dengan sikap optimis, aku adalah tempat bertanya dan meluahkan perasaan bagi teman-teman atau kenalan di sekeliling. Teramat jarang aku mengalami keadaan di mana aku tidak mengetahui kemahuan sendiri. Hidup aku sentiasa terarah. Namun tuhan menguji aku. Aku kini berada di dunia di mana aku tidak dapat menentukan arah ku sendiri. Ini adalah ujian yang maha besar bagiku.

Lantas aku cuba mencari diri dan arah tujuan. Aku berharap pada ranting-ranting yang selama ini berteduh di bawahku. Bagaimana mampu ranting itu menahan rengekan dan desakan aku. Maka aku secara tidak sengaja telah memberi tekanan pada ranting-ranting itu. Rekahan pada pangkal ranting telah bermula. Dan aku bukannya semakin senang, malah semakin sukar dalam mencari sedikit kegembiraan di dalam cubaan ini.

Mungkin perkara terbaik adalah dengan bersabar. Mengurang berkata-kata dan berfikiran negatif. Maka akan aku jauhkan kata-kata buruk dari berlegar-legar dalam ruang fikiran dan angan ku.

Moga aku tabah. Moga ini adalah perkara terbaik dalam hidupku.

Gombatte ne!

the unknown

Hard life

Do you know what is in store for you tomorrow? What time you will wake up? Or will you wake up from your sleep at all? Who will you meet on the way to work or school? Who? What? Where? How? When?

I post those questions for us think for a while and come up with the answers, not for me but for thyself. How many times in our life, we stop and think. Many times I must say. However, how many times we thank God that we still have tomorrow to live a life.

We, or me, rarely think about these. I always take for granted whatever that is in store for me. Sometimes good, sometimes bad. Most of the time, is good. And most human are really fortunate because we tend to forget the bad things after sometimes. Thus, our life at the end will be filled with the good memories. Yes, for most of the people. And it is also true for me.

But then, what about people who is unfortunate? Yes, life is hard. Not everybody is born with a good luck, easy life. Some of us will always live in tried and tested life. But, I always believe that we are entitled to change our own luck. And I am still trying to get the best for me in this life. Even to get one bulb that was functioning, Thomas Edison had previously work with 1000 that did not. His effort had lighted our night.

Therefore, I believe the key to life is to always try to live this life no matter what and how and pray for the best.