Sunday, November 9, 2014

A modern day tale, indeed!

I watched Maleficient today. An interesting way to capture the hearts of a thousand children, while letting them know that true love doesn't come as a package of a kiss of a young man. A motherly love is a love without boundary, that only a mother or a woman can understand. I will let my nieces watches this movie. Whoa! At least they could understand that they need not wait for the knight riding a white horse to make them feel complete. How feminist, I am today! And I love it every bit. 

Anyway, watching this movie brought back many memories. I remembered reading story books full of drawing and colors, when I was very young. The books were the door of limitless imaginations. The creatures drawn in those books came into life once I opened up the first page. They were talking and sharing their stories. I was living a tale by tale until the last page. Those feelings rarely come around these days. I wish to feel it again, to enjoy and ventures the world of the unknown and be captivated by the beauty of the kingdom, by the charm of a prince and the loveliness of a princess. Or live a life of a peasant who comes across many adventures by himself; fighting the dragon and finally learn something new about himself. 

How I wish!

Thursday, November 6, 2014

Angry demon won!

I lost myself yesterday morning, losing a battle to curb my anger. And the person who took it was a girl who has been working for 3 years, but to put it simple, she can just walk away from all the work that she is doing at the moment and no one will feel like missing her.

She was too much!

But it is me who is on the losing side. I am a professional, should act professionally even with unprofessional person. To add salt to my bruised ego, I have been fighting this battle with my angry demon for quite sometime. The angry me only comes out in front of few best friends. Officemates never see my angry avatar, and they doubt it when I say that I am angry because I never shout. I will just talk to them in a straight face.

Yesterday, I did shout. Thank God, however, I was just thinking of struggling her, seconds before I stop short thinking that it can be a police report, when she answered me back.

God! It is really dangerous working when our body is too weak (I was having fever yesterday, but need to come because of running for a dateline), because the patience that one have might be too thin at that time.

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Eight years of roller coaster life

Why love has been the topic on my mind lately? Romanticism has become my second name, it seems.

I can't figure it out. Even if there is a reason, no one bothers to ask or know. But, this is my blog, I should be able to write anything under the sun. Well, I've decided to write about love again.

Let me be frank. Doing PhD is not an easy job for me.

I was alone there in Tokushima and every burden has to come under my own responsibility. For four years, I took in the desperation to finish the study, bite my lips and hold the feeling together. I did that for four years, intact. It would be very irresponsible of me if I poured all the bad things to my mother, who herself just lost a husband. And kept losing a close relative, one by another; from her father, stepfather and finally her own mother. I can't be so selfish at that moment, though I wished that I have someone to talk to. Being me, I can't trust just anyone to read my heart and my soul. Hence, I was there on my own.

Coming back to Malaysia was another story. I was in need of a best friend, who somehow keep herself far beyond my reach. I can't blame her if the fate had played us. I still have many friends, who helped me all along the way. But, being human, the pain of losing one diminished all others that were there. That was four years back.

I think those 8 years was roller coaster years of my life. I kept losing myself, living with fear of opening my heart to the next person. I kept people distance, at arm's length, the nearest they can get close to.

Slowly, God showed me the way back to my old self.

I want to feel love again. To be able to give and get without prejudice and conditions.

And Maru is amongst the ones that He gave for me to start loving again. She is heavily pregnant with mood swings, but she makes my day.

Sunday, November 2, 2014

Short visit to Tokushima

I just came back from Japan, from Tokushima. It was a great but short journey,  brought back all the bitter sweet memories. After all, there's no way for me to detest this place where I found the strongest me.

I found that I have a tremendous respect towards my former supervisor, Prof Hosoi, and that I missed him. I missed to work in that laboratory, with Akamatsu-sensei, Hasegawa-sensei and Yao-san. I missed having everyone around.

Then, it is dawn to me that we can have many experience, but only the sweet ones survived.


Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Of love, dopamine and emotion.

Love in science is just an after effect of dopamine, a chemical substance produces in the brain. Simple and the only explanation.

But if we study love through emotion point of view,  it can be a lifetime story or a movie or a song. Some of the stories is made up in order to justify the love or the sacrifice of the love. A lovely stories, that is all that I can say.

I am in love with love itself, which is another topic of love.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Falling heart falling one self

One thing that I know by my heart is the feeling of falling in love. It's like heaven. It's like the world only have you and the next person sitting with you; your lovely feeling just drown the rest of the crowd. You are building a world that consists only the two of you. You want to hang around with the person at the corner of your so called world forever. Other things do not matter anymore. It is nice feeling. At times, it's calming, other times, it's like a storm but in a great way.

But then again, I tend to lose myself, my identity in love. And that for me is not a great thing to do. I know that. But what can we say to the heart that is in love? Nothing. Only a prayer can save a soul.

Sunday, October 12, 2014

For her

Love comes in many forms.

She was missing for ten days and that's enough to send my life spiralled down. I was heartbroken. Till one night, when I saw her rushing towards me with him chasing behind. She was thin and unkempt. That was the moment that I knew I need to take her in, no matter how much she loves her freedom and how much I love her to let her have her ways.

She is now pregnant and may give birth next month. But, this is her first pregnancy. She is a bit loss not knowing why she is tired most of the time. She sleeps a lot these days.

I will keep her safe and hopefully things will be okay for both of us. Yes, this is also the first time I am going to assist a cat delivers her babies. My Maru is going to be a mother.