Sunday, May 10, 2015

Look down, look up...

What can I say about this new post? Not much. It just eats out my time and let me know the true face of humanity.

I always want to learn about new things. Being appointed to this new position, I learn a lot of things. The work and responsibility, yes. But the other face, the truth of being among people I considered as friends.

There are really many king makers behind me, although I myself, love to be a king maker. These people were the ones who push me to this level, not that I like to be here. The reason I accepted the post is that, I hate to see this office in a mess. And that alone. To stay and be "a member of front benches society" is not my thing. I can't see the whole picture here. I can only look down.

This position also showed me that not all people who we consider as friends would love the idea that I am in a better position at a same institution. There are friends who always be my friends, support, applaud and all.  And "frenemy", who suddenly vanished like a thin air.

But the additional pay is good. That one, I can accept.

Saturday, February 28, 2015

Lovely childhood memories

If anything, I would like to have an imaginary friend to play with when I was young. Alone, that's the price I have to pay by being the only girl, to toughen up against two younger brothers, although both of them are not bullying types. Thank God for that.

But then, I have aunties,  younger sisters of my mother, who are not much older than me. All of us would got together once a while; playing making house, cooking or wedding. Neighbourhood children would eventually joined the band after seeing us flocking behind my grandparents house under the rambutan's trees.

I enjoyed those days, and today, a book brought me back to the days.

I was and am full of imagination. One fine day, thinking about one of my uncle who was an army, I jotted down an imaginary map of his so called army tactical. The map includes the bonkers, army camps and all the necessary things, in a minds of a ten years old child. Maybe it was my reading or my attachment to TV's programme,  but when my a much older aunty saw it ly on the ground, she made a big fuss over it. She thought that it was fallen out of my uncle's pocket. There were a lot of dramas, until I came forward and admitted that it was mine.

I smile whenever I think of that incident.


Thursday, February 26, 2015

Letting go

I know what I want in life. I am living my dream, as a scientist. However, as people always mention, there is nothing on the top of the mountain; only you and yourself. And so, I keep finding new mountain to be conquered.

But then again, too many mountains and too many dedications make me tired. I am letting go some of the mountains, although I love them dearly. If I can't help myself, I am sure I can't help others.

Let it go!

Friday, February 13, 2015

I am quitting

Everytime this happens, I always try to convince myself that I should be the one with the big heart. I shall be mature enough to let bygone be bygone and forgive, then forget.

But now, I am not sure if I should be continuing doing, for my own sake. I want to be happy and stress free. I want to be in love with my life, from every angle. I want to be able to smile wholeheartedly.

Life could be so mysterious that, sometimes I feel so dumbfounded, cannot go anywhere or make any decision because all the directions left me with little choices in being me. I am angry, but can't express it because I don't like the after-angry feeling. I am not satisfied, but I can't express it because I know that it will make me look stupid, or I think that I look stupid. Patience and tomorrow, is my only savior. But then again, these two take time and they are killing me.

I wish that I don't have to go through this anymore. I am quitting from this relationship. I gave-up!

End of a battle

He passed away last night, ended his battle against prostate cancer. I never get a chance to meet him although we live nearby, or should I say, I never create a chance to meet him. He was ( a little awkward to use 'was' for him) a big person, who lived a humble life.

Thank you for the lessons taught. You will always be my model Muslim. I will miss him.

May God bless him always.

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

I love day

I'm in love with life. Each and every day, I find new things to be loved about.  I find that people are interesting. I can love a person without any condition attached. And I love myself, by not losing me under any circumstances.

I love my best friend who is thinking of me she is in need. I love my other best friend who is willing to me mumbles in frustration, though she was busy handling her kids bathing, and that too through phone.

I love to listen to good news from hom.  My uncle who just came back from a medical check up told me that his condition is alright, nothing to worry.

I love that Noza thinks that I can help her, and I love to help.

I can't stop writing about my lovely day, but since I am still having a lot to do, I need to stop anyway.

Sunday, February 1, 2015

A false alarm

Life has taken a lot of twist and turn since 24th December 2014, where the big flood or also known as the "River Tsunami" affected the whole Kelantan, and only two districts were spared. I can't actually straighten my feeling and compartmentalised it, for my own sake. By doing that, I can help overcome the overwhelming feeling. People need to do what it takes  in order to survive, and it is my surviving skills.

Yesterday, I sent Maru to the clinics and boarded her in because she has an infection in her left eye. Hoping that she will get better soon, especially with her being very choosy about eating. Well, she has a strong string attached to my heart because I felt like losing something when she was not around last night. Oh! My! With many things running around my mind, I just hope that my blood pressure doesn't suddenly jump up. That's one of the reasons I asked Ezah for blood pressure testing this afternoon when out of sudden I felt a rushed of heat around my my shoulders to the ears. Thank God, that was only a false alarm. Probably because of the new computer table.