Saturday, December 6, 2014

Revelation of stress, another perspective

Life is never easy, but it is not so hard to live by. All depends on the perspective, on which way we decide to see and accept. The glass poured with water, half of it, could always be half full or half empty.

I'm here in Kb, all on my own. Looking after myself, missing my mother and family back home. But, I can't just pack and move back. I have other responsibility, yes, besides the paycheck.

I went on to do phd in thinking of making myself more knowledgeable. However, I end up making myself miserable throughout the four years. At the end, I just wanted to comeback and be a teacher. Rushing to finish the study, I did what I always do to get by; to live day by day like a programme robot. At the end, stress was just another part of me. I ate, slept and drank on it.

So, during those difficult times, my intention changed. I would like to be a teacher, that besides teaching, inspired the students. To my postgraduate students, I wanted them to reach higher than I am. I would like them to have the joy of doing research, to understand that 'stress' is another for success. If we can ride on the 'stress', we surely can find the best looking rainbow at the end of the journey.

After four years of teaching, I don't know how much I have contributed to science or the students. Hopefully, I am doing just fine.

Thursday, December 4, 2014

Maru's babies

Maru gave birth three weeks ago, while I was in Japan for business trip. A guy who works for the clinic where I took Maru for boarding was very excited when he saw me coming for Maru. He was standing next to the entrance, outside of the clinic and once seeing me, mentioned about Maru's five babies. Five! I was startled! But happy.

I brought Maru home with the babies and she was very protective towards the kittens. Even I can't get close to them. Anyway, she was too young and as a first time mother, she maybe not fit to take care of the kittens. One day, I found one of them died. And a few days layer, another one passed away. And later, due to work commitment, I went to Kuala Lumpur for four days. Few of my students helped me taking vare for them at home. But, when I reached home, I saw only Maru alone. She was not with tye babies. That night, three of them were found dead.

Maru was devastated for few days. She's now getting better.

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

30s facing 40s

I am a little bit fuzzy in my thinking. Past one month was havoc with fewer incidences took place. Not to say that all were bad ones, but I just need to sit and defragmented the mind. I was overwhelmed with activities and remembrance.

I will be facing my 40s next year and would like to keep intake of how my 30s is like. Gracefully, that is all I wanted to be like when I reach old age. Wanted to be able to tell my grandchildren the experiences, the activities, the steps that take and stumble, but still getting up. Eventually, I will leave this world, to the thereafter, the permanent one.

We took the road trip to Perlis, Penang and Langkawi. A memorable trip, I would say. The one that I never did in Malaysia.

Sunday, November 9, 2014

A modern day tale, indeed!

I watched Maleficient today. An interesting way to capture the hearts of a thousand children, while letting them know that true love doesn't come as a package of a kiss of a young man. A motherly love is a love without boundary, that only a mother or a woman can understand. I will let my nieces watches this movie. Whoa! At least they could understand that they need not wait for the knight riding a white horse to make them feel complete. How feminist, I am today! And I love it every bit. 

Anyway, watching this movie brought back many memories. I remembered reading story books full of drawing and colors, when I was very young. The books were the door of limitless imaginations. The creatures drawn in those books came into life once I opened up the first page. They were talking and sharing their stories. I was living a tale by tale until the last page. Those feelings rarely come around these days. I wish to feel it again, to enjoy and ventures the world of the unknown and be captivated by the beauty of the kingdom, by the charm of a prince and the loveliness of a princess. Or live a life of a peasant who comes across many adventures by himself; fighting the dragon and finally learn something new about himself. 

How I wish!

Thursday, November 6, 2014

Angry demon won!

I lost myself yesterday morning, losing a battle to curb my anger. And the person who took it was a girl who has been working for 3 years, but to put it simple, she can just walk away from all the work that she is doing at the moment and no one will feel like missing her.

She was too much!

But it is me who is on the losing side. I am a professional, should act professionally even with unprofessional person. To add salt to my bruised ego, I have been fighting this battle with my angry demon for quite sometime. The angry me only comes out in front of few best friends. Officemates never see my angry avatar, and they doubt it when I say that I am angry because I never shout. I will just talk to them in a straight face.

Yesterday, I did shout. Thank God, however, I was just thinking of struggling her, seconds before I stop short thinking that it can be a police report, when she answered me back.

God! It is really dangerous working when our body is too weak (I was having fever yesterday, but need to come because of running for a dateline), because the patience that one have might be too thin at that time.

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Eight years of roller coaster life

Why love has been the topic on my mind lately? Romanticism has become my second name, it seems.

I can't figure it out. Even if there is a reason, no one bothers to ask or know. But, this is my blog, I should be able to write anything under the sun. Well, I've decided to write about love again.

Let me be frank. Doing PhD is not an easy job for me.

I was alone there in Tokushima and every burden has to come under my own responsibility. For four years, I took in the desperation to finish the study, bite my lips and hold the feeling together. I did that for four years, intact. It would be very irresponsible of me if I poured all the bad things to my mother, who herself just lost a husband. And kept losing a close relative, one by another; from her father, stepfather and finally her own mother. I can't be so selfish at that moment, though I wished that I have someone to talk to. Being me, I can't trust just anyone to read my heart and my soul. Hence, I was there on my own.

Coming back to Malaysia was another story. I was in need of a best friend, who somehow keep herself far beyond my reach. I can't blame her if the fate had played us. I still have many friends, who helped me all along the way. But, being human, the pain of losing one diminished all others that were there. That was four years back.

I think those 8 years was roller coaster years of my life. I kept losing myself, living with fear of opening my heart to the next person. I kept people distance, at arm's length, the nearest they can get close to.

Slowly, God showed me the way back to my old self.

I want to feel love again. To be able to give and get without prejudice and conditions.

And Maru is amongst the ones that He gave for me to start loving again. She is heavily pregnant with mood swings, but she makes my day.

Sunday, November 2, 2014

Short visit to Tokushima

I just came back from Japan, from Tokushima. It was a great but short journey,  brought back all the bitter sweet memories. After all, there's no way for me to detest this place where I found the strongest me.

I found that I have a tremendous respect towards my former supervisor, Prof Hosoi, and that I missed him. I missed to work in that laboratory, with Akamatsu-sensei, Hasegawa-sensei and Yao-san. I missed having everyone around.

Then, it is dawn to me that we can have many experience, but only the sweet ones survived.