The perfect criminal

I think the perfect criminal in the world TODAY is Mr Prime Minister of Israel. He could ordered killing of thousand of peoples and yet no one in this world is able to say that he is indeed a criminal, the least probably maybe Mr Erdogan. Hiding behind Hamas rocket firing and holocaust name, he is still one of the respected leader in the world. He is indeed had performed the perfect murders. Salute him for that!

Sound of pain - I

It was a sunny day in the winter. Clock was ticking in the next room but I could hear it, because it was drop dead silence. No, it was not the clock that was ticking, it was sound of my heart. I realized it at that moment that something was not right with me. I could see people walking passing me and talking to each other but there was quiet all over. It was like in a dream. Am I dreaming?

I was sitting on a right side of a sofa, facing another wall in an alley of a long hall. I saw two peoples talking, a child running and a few men rushing out of a room going somewhere, I guess. I can’t make any senses of what were happening as I can’t hear anything. Suddenly, there was a terrible sound from inside of my ears. I closed my ears with both of hands. It did not stop. I can’t stand it. The last thing I remember was a black curtain.

Mirror and I

Dear miss diary,

Today morning, or more accurately, just now, something outrages took place. Never in my life I looked up myself in the mirror for more than 10 minutes. But just now, I even had time to think that I should be more slimmer so that my face will look better. ROL!

Probably having everyone around me tying a knot and my future is just rosolved around career leave me a little unsecured. This is something new to me.

I never talked about my marriage at length with anybody besides the lucky few. Not even with my mother until up to one point she even asked me if I have any intention to marry. After that I open up myself a little bit to her. Yes, I am not very open about my life to just anyone. People will tend to take me as what they see; cool, tomboyish and nothing interest me beside knowledge. And it is not my style to change people perspective about me. I will never go overboard to impress people unless if I wanted to get the job done, or to get the job. Heh!

But once people get to know me, deeply, they can even read my expressions and I am like an open book. Not many people are able to do that. One of them is Yati. She's getting married this coming Friday. I am so happy for her. She's like my mind's reader and she love her ability to predict people, especially when reading her ex-boss.

Anyhow, this post is about me and my marriage. I don't want to get married just because everyone else is getting married. I want it to be because a 'jodoh' has come. I want it because God has it for me not because of I have to. Freedom is my nature and I love to be with the person who I love and he love me. I want to be married with a person who will accept me as I will accept him, the good and the bad. It is too unbelievable to believe that this can exist, but I believe so. I believe that God create me a soul mate and he has to be somewhere in any corner of earth. I believe Him because He said that human are born in pairs. I am looking for mine.

Wow! What this mirror had done to me in this lovely morning? (*_*)

Lovey dovey

I would like to say that as far as I am concern, it is not worth to love a person wholeheartedly. That's my finding. Huh! (The conclusion of life thesis writing).

Probably I would sound cynical or people may guest that I was just falling out of love. The truth is non of the above. I just think no matter how much we love a person, love is worth as it is. Loving means that we are indeed open for an option to be hurt. And the amount of hurt that we can imagine is as much as the amount of love that we have provided. The cut short the long story, love without any expectation of love in return is the safest way to love anybody. Or we can say a one way love.

I pray that I would see you in heaven. Walking down besides me along the sea. Take my hand and warm my heart, smiles and make my day. There is no word but I can feel love. I just want to say that I miss u!

Seeing is believing?

Seeing is believing is not my mantra of life. Eyes, early perceptions and emotions could give away the wrong signal. This is especially true in a magical show when the magician used a few tricks to make believe things that couldn't be true in the first place.

I believe in God existence though I’ve never seen Him. I believe that by looking at the universe, from a small little nano form of things in the cell to the largest biggest universe we can see, that are all proof He is there. How could we explain that when we change something in the living cells, others reacted to it? It‘s like traffic lights trying to manage the congested cars in the busy city. If there is no God, just try to fix the broken ozone layers of our planet. Or simply, just create a soul from nothing.

What I am saying is that whatever we do in this world have the consequences. This is because all of us are created by Almighty. And because we start from sometime or somewhere, there will always be the end of it. That’s what life and science taught me all this years. If we do well, the repay is good or otherwise if we do badly.

Anyhow, because this is His world, we should always remember that life is not a bed of roses. It has the ups and downs. At least, when we reached the down part, it is an opportunity for us to change for the better self. How can we expect to be rewarded with Heaven when we never ever come face to face with challenge? Furthermore, only after the entrance examination, we will know if we can get to the best university or not.

Under the rubble of my own thinking

There are two things in Japan that have the ability to send me back into my own world of darkness; coldness of the weather and tons of work in the laboratory. Starting from the end of December last year, I told myself that I would be ready for the workload that I would put myself on. However, the bitterness of winter suddenly had taken me by surprised and I was left doing all the thinking (while working). The memories and analysis keep coming and going and at the end I tend to be depressed. The depressing moment was a little bit bearable this time around for I am planning to take almost one month holidays in Malaysia. Thinking and imagining me taking the flight back home will always do good by elevating my spirit. Ah! By the way, I have had the green light from my beloved professor for the holidays. Thus, it was one of the good thing that straighten my mood.

My depression anyhow was nothing compared to the feeling that people of Gaza experienced at the moment. Based on the newspaper reports, the children and women were killed blindly during the war. I could only pray that God will instilled something good into the heart of soldiers who did the killing. I am at loss of words!

Let love rise above all

As far as human history or legend is remembered, love is always a part of the story, be it victory or tragedy. The opening of 2009 was a tragedy, besides the economic downturn, when we can see death of innocent people of Palestine because there is another war at Gaza. I wouldn't want to indulge myself on the right or wrong of this war. There are many opinions, many wishes and many deaths. And yet, it's currently still haunting the lives of anyone involved in the war. This is definitely the gloomy post to start the year. Whatever it is, for the people who create this war, I believe life is meaningless for them. I can’t see love but I can't say much because I’ve never ever live in their shoes.

I did some searches and came across a few hatred posts in some Yahoo website, showing unresolved differences amid the two communities, Israelis and Palestines. I think it is impossible to say that there will be peace in Middle East. They did not understand each other and thus, I can say that probably there is no love or even respect.

On the other hand, it was sad that some other people who do not understand the conflicts blame the religions. How on earth can we blame the mother who gives birth to a criminal? Both parties are actually defending their own so called countries. Religion is nothing to do with it.

At the end, I wish there will be some mercy from the Israel side to allow help such as medicine, treatment and foods to reach the needy or victims. I can only pray that this war will end as soon as possible. My heart stops for a second today when I saw a picture of a child head under the rumble of her house. I dare not to have any more imagination.

Over the boundaries

In life, every day each and every one of the human being make their own choices. However, routines and rules set the brain to a certain standard where people will just follow. Once a while when reality comes crushing the ordinary life cycle, then human become alive again. There will be crying for help. They see the consequences of action. They started to love and care.

I am not suggesting that people should all be spontaneous and above rules. Rules are not set to be broken but it is only a guideline. Surely, once a while the could be some situations where the rules could be broken. Too much rules, to the T, will only bring bad name to bureaucratic.

Ideally, rules work to perfect human life. Practically, nobody perfect, not even the rules. I am the woldian. Globalization have made world a small planet. Just look around the world.

Ideally, having small number of children in a family will help the family in giving better life to the children. But, after decades, it's also means that the society will have small number of young generations. By the way, how on earth are we going to make sure that all the children will survive their early life? Yes, unless human are so powerful that we can create soul if we need one, whenever we want. And Japan is one of the country having small number of young generation.

The point is rules are just the guidelines. Flexibility make human being raw in the action. I am trying to live this world each day crunching the reality for breakfast and hopefully will forget it by dinner time.

Taking out the stress

Different people have different way of living their own life, especially of handling the stress. In criminal behavioural analysis, it is believe that for some serial killer or rapist, it is the stress that could trigger the act. It could be the first or secondary factor that submit to the crime. The first crime is the most powerful because it can lift the stress and boost the good feeling and thus the criminal will repeated the act to find the solace in the feeling. Because of that knowing to handle to stress is as important as knowing how to live one life.

As for normal people like me who happen to love shopping, I do it whenever I have money. If not window shopping or helping others do the shopping can help a lot. What I am saying is that one of the reasons I am here in Kobe for the new year is to help me easing the pressure having to live in the laboratory all year long. Taking days off just and hop around to find things to buy is great. It was a great day on the first of January here. Su and I went again to the Factory Outlet in Tarumi. The weather was cold, maybe around 5 degrees Celsius but it did not hamper the new year mood as the crowd gathered and even queued just to take a look at the clothes, shoes, bags and equipments. I bought few things for the family back home.

Surini graciously posing for the camera before the 'hunting' begins.

This post could be a way for me to 'unconsciously' justify my act of finishing 1/4 of the scholarship money for this month. Huh! (I could be criminal in the making if not for the shopping activities though the money in the bank are depleting).

Happy New Year 2009 Kobe

When I reached Kobe last night, it's still early. I wanted to see new year celebration in Kobe. Following Surini's plan, we went to gyinja (temple). Don't take me wrong. It's actually the way Japanese celebrate new coming year. They will go to temple and make a good wish for the year to come. Unlike Malaysian citizens who will spend time having good time killing themselves in the road (mat rempit).

Stalls were set on the way to temple. And people were going there with their love ones, families and friends.


After having coffees for break, we then make our journey to Kobe Harborland. Nothing happened. People just sitting around and then someone burned fireworks after 12p.m. But the night scenery was good. There were a group of youngsters trying to proved themselves, something like mat rempit. One of their member jump into the cold sea when the watch strike 12.

Overall, it was a calm new year celebration in Kobe. Probably due to global economic crisis which take away the fun.