I can't figure it out. Even if there is a reason, no one bothers to ask or know. But, this is my blog, I should be able to write anything under the sun. Well, I've decided to write about love again.
Let me be frank. Doing PhD is not an easy job for me.
I was alone there in Tokushima and every burden has to come under my own responsibility. For four years, I took in the desperation to finish the study, bite my lips and hold the feeling together. I did that for four years, intact. It would be very irresponsible of me if I poured all the bad things to my mother, who herself just lost a husband. And kept losing a close relative, one by another; from her father, stepfather and finally her own mother. I can't be so selfish at that moment, though I wished that I have someone to talk to. Being me, I can't trust just anyone to read my heart and my soul. Hence, I was there on my own.
Coming back to Malaysia was another story. I was in need of a best friend, who somehow keep herself far beyond my reach. I can't blame her if the fate had played us. I still have many friends, who helped me all along the way. But, being human, the pain of losing one diminished all others that were there. That was four years back.
I think those 8 years was roller coaster years of my life. I kept losing myself, living with fear of opening my heart to the next person. I kept people distance, at arm's length, the nearest they can get close to.
Slowly, God showed me the way back to my old self.
I want to feel love again. To be able to give and get without prejudice and conditions.
And Maru is amongst the ones that He gave for me to start loving again. She is heavily pregnant with mood swings, but she makes my day.
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