Bed of flowers

Life is bed of flowers...or it is?

In my opinion, life full of ups and downs. It is a cycle. People are very right when they mention 'cycle' of life. If you're biology scientist, Kreb's cycle probably pop-up in the mind if word cycle is said. Or sometimes people with more mechanical thinking will associated it with bicycle. Whatever it is, life is really ask the best from every thing that live. Unless you're dead, then you have to think, worry and do something in order to keep living.

Selamanya

Selamanya hati ini akan terus mencari
Sudut-sudut rindu yang tersimpan
Mencantum rekahan memori
Mencari warna senyuman warna tangisan
Getaran kata-kata memukul gegendang
Dibawa angin, seperti nama ini di seru
Menghidu wangian menusuk hati
Seolah-olah masih disisi
Walaupun masa berlalu
Segalanya pasti setia di celahan jejari akal
Biar hujan biar panas
Tak akan retak, tak akan lekang

Airmata menitis dalam hati
Hanya menandakan hati terlalu rindu
Mengharapkan masa kembali
Dan masih bersama hingga hujung waktu
Tapi sentiasa bersyukur
Dalam kegelapan ada cinta hadir
Biarpun sendiri, ku bawa mu selamanya

Dedicated to my heart....(^_^)

Japan and Me

Being alone in Japan make me do my thinking a lot. I am able to evaluate the past, current and future of my life. Of course, I don't want to be labelled narcissist or self loving. I just would like to reflect the life, the world and the existence.

Japan showed me the other side of world that I would never imagine. I think west, USA or Europe were overexposed by the media, but not Japan. The idea of Japan that I have was never enough. As a child I love Ultraman, one of my favourite TV show that I would never missed. My friends, cousins and me would flocked together in front of the TV set of my aunt. If we were at the middle of the game, we stopped just for the Ultraman. Ultraman was the saver for Japan which happened to have many giants coming out under the earth or the sea. They need Ultraman. Sigh! If only I knew the reality, I wouldn't stopped playing.

The next drama series that reflected me what was Japan is "Oshin". That drama didn't only affected us, the children but all the mothers in my small village. We were like under the influence of Oshin, the main character of the drama to stick throughout the series and shared the sorrow and success of Oshin. The drama was not only enjoy by us but take the whole Malaysian like storm.

Then, there were other dramas that I watched. And gave me some insight of Japan. However, Japan was never like what I imagine. Unlike India, the one month that I spent there was somehow similar with India that I had in mind. Some of them still bear some grudge against Pakistan. The rich is really rich. Caste is still being conducted there. I even knew some of the words and can understood the culture as I was addicted to Hindi and Tamil movies, when I was small. I make great friends with some of them as the can speak English fluently.

At the end, Japan was not like what I imagine. The culture, the people and the life in Japan are very distinct. They are their own league. I am still savouring the smell of Japan, be it good or not. It bring me the new perspective of life.

Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde

I am not going to discuss the novella. As for Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, I am more interested in the point of human nature can exist as bad as Mr Hyde in the body of Dr Jekyll. In my opinion, Robert Louis Stevenson, the writer had been a very good observant of mankind though based on Wikipedia, the story was based on dream that Stevenson had.

I always believe that we can be as good as angel and otherwise. It is the end of both personality that characterized human. Therefore, to live consciously and being able to distinctly decide of good and evil is a way of life. Clear mind and feeling good or calmness are the two important things that I think could lead us to the better judgement in making decision.

I had an experience that I don't mind forgetting. Nevertheless, I used it to remind myself that I could be the cruel character as Mr Hyde if I am not carefully guard my senses. There was one time when I was in my early 20's. Being very busy with work in the laboratory, live on my own with not enough money to support myself and tired, I was offered to teach a hyperactive boy at my home, personal tuition. One fine day, he was not listening or doing any homework that I assign him, so I just beat his legs, few times. I was not very sure of how hard I did so. Only the next day when his mother complaining that his son can't walk to school because of the pain, I was very shocked. Did I do that which caused him so much pain? I was lucky that his mother did not take this any further then decided to not send him to my house anymore and we stop talking. I tried to mend the relationship but she decided to go against that, so I just let it go.

Still, I keep wondering that how I could do that. Where did my patience or consciousness went that day? Till now, I am always aware that I shall be very careful whenever I am under stress. This story have been never told to others besides my housemates of that time and a very few buddies.

Doing the PhD is very stressful. So, I try to stay aware of myself all the time. Tiring but I don't want to cross the line anymore.

How to fix a broken heart?

My dear journal,
I am feeling low and heart broken. Fixing a broken heart is surely hard to handle. Everytime I want to leave this behind, it seems that earth pulled me back to the pain. I just want to get over this and looking ahead for the new future.

I will forgive, forget and move on. Sayonara!

Sadness

Many people associate sad with tears. Some people associate that with heart. However, both are true. We can feel sad but show an unresponsive face. Some will have tears flowing out of their eyes and say that they are sad.

As for me, I need to swallow all my sadness at the moment. I think I've faced it, I guess so but I can't show that I am sad because it will make others sad. Do you think it's the right thing to do, the noble thing? I really have no clue.

I am sad but I can't show because if I do, I will be feeling self pity and don't want to work for the future. I have been feeling so for about a year and I think that I need to move on.

Do I need to stop contacting the person that cause be to feel sad as I think, forgetting will be easier. But, I also think that's the way to run from a problem.

How difficult to face your own 'feel' battle? Ask yourself when you face one....:)

Hiroshima in Peace

Visiting Hiroshima under the Hatsukaichi Peace Programme 2008 held by the Hatsukaichi International Association is like making peace with the ghost of World War II. The way I look at life, either my life or human life will never be same.

This programme was organised by the volunteers, most of them are housewife or woman of the house who's their main ideas is to let the world know about the Atomic bomb effect during the WWII on Hiroshima (then, it shall never be a single nuclear weapon in this world) and the word 'war' shall never be whispered ever again.

Me, personally I think and feel that God has been so kind to me, guiding me through this life. The homestay family's mother, or shall I say 'sister' as she looks so young and vibrant at early 50's, was able to cool me down (as I was so in to lab work and research and rat....). We both had a good time together talking about world, politics, life and ourselves. She's so understanding. Ah! one thing I need to say is that my Japanese language is so poor and God is so gracious that He sent me to this lady who is an English teacher. I end up being more cautious with my grammar.

I will tell more about Hiroshima in my next post.