The man that I love

Lately, I think a lot about my father. He passed away about 4 years ago, almost four years. The anniversary is around the corner. Probably I just missed him. I never know that I could missed him so much. By the way it is not that I hate him. It was just that we are so different. We had a very different opinions of how one should live their life. Not the basics of it. He taught me of living the life decently. He gave me opportunity to study, whatever I want to study.

Few years before he died, he was sick. The caused was diabetes. (Yes, he love eating. In his opinion, being fat is as same as wealthy). We argued a lot during that time. I guessed he was just so tired with his life and cannot think straight. Me, being very defensive with my life decision. At the end both of us end up being verbal with each other.

Till now, I don't know the real reasons of him being emotionally unstable. Probably his childhood. He never told us much about his life when he was young. I knew that their family used to be rich, but my grandfather gambled all the money for easy life. The easy life for him, not for the entire family of 10 children. My grandfather bought the first car in the village. Spent most of his time outside the house. Rarely at home. Sold all his entire estate before died at a very young age. Left almost nothing to my grandmother who had to work for others to bring up the 10 children.

My father was a middle child of ten. I still don't know the reason he didn't want to further study. He also choose a path that I think was wrong which sent him to be somewhat unsuccessful. The whole life, money was hard on him. Success seems to elude him. He worked very hard to provide us with necessary things, to give better education. However, he also thought that secondary schooling was enough. He was proud that I finished tertiary education. Did the M.Sc. He passed away before I came to Japan.

Being analytical, he was the only person that who was so close but yet so far. I can't figure out reasons of any action that he took. He love me. He love us. But sometimes he seems to love money more. Maybe I was wrong. Hehehe!

I love him. The love is getting deeper by day. Never stop. I just keep thinking why he did what he did. I am at lost when he was gone. He somehow provide a clear axis of which route that I had to take. He never leave us, the family. My brother once told me that he never thought that my father will passed away. Even when he was admitted to the ICU.

When he was in the ICU, I was just thinking that he would be better and come back home with us. We would take care of him even when he would be paralysed. We will take care of him.

May God take care of him now. He had given me the best that he could. I would never blame him. He was the father that I could wish for. Thank you for be my father. I am very sorry for not being able to be the best child that you want. Thanks a lot for everything.

The woman that I love

She is the only woman that have everything over me. Either good or bad, she will always accept and understand me. She influences my life so much, that I could be where I am now.

My mother is the one and only person that curved my life. She knows my strength and weakness and how to persuade her only daughter to move forward. Due to some circumstances, she was not able to fulfill her own wishes. Then, as a mother she wants me to be where I wanted to go. She let me go and taste the world under her guidance spirit and trust and love. I flew over the mountains, rivers, oceans and past the stars. But at the end, I will always come back to the earth to meet her. Be it good or bad, I will always stay with her. Her love make me big, and her love could make me bigger. There is no end of her love which make me love her even more.

Everyday is Mother's Day.

Same feathers flock together

When the proverb was introduced to me, I can't really make up the real meaning of it. Later, someone explained to me about distribution pattern of feathers of bird, (you can get simple explanation about it in the Wikipedia), which then I can get grasped of the meaning.

I like to say that the proverb is true to the T. Why? I will reflected myself as an example. I am not an extrovert, born as a Scorpion. Thus, I always stay behind the curtain, until one day decided to explore the possibility of being on stage. Overnight, I changed myself, being extrovert 'undercover'. But I realized however I changed, the groups of friends that I met were still they same kind of people. I like to be around the introvert. I still don't like to talk bad about other people, being vocal about it and never feel the urge to cross the line (my own line, mind you). By the way, my mother had successfully instilled in my brain that using s**##$$s words are bad.

Then, Japan here I am. Meeting new people. Still I don't like to be around people who doesn't understand about to stand in another man's shoes. I hate that kind of people. I hate people who love the limelight that they will do everything to be in one. Then I realized that since primary school, I guarded myself very much that I never really make friends with the other kind of people beside the one that I comfortable to be with. I choose my friends. And I love being among them. One of the reasons is that they know what it is about trying see world from the other axis and to accept that people is irregular, not a product of any factory. Accepting other people weakness and differences are one of the ways to move forward. Too focus on the weakness and differences will make the person dull. Dull people is not 'omoshoroii' (interesting) to be around.

I met a few dull people here in Tokushima. I wish all the best to them and hope that they will change themselves one day.

Bed of flowers

Life is bed of flowers...or it is?

In my opinion, life full of ups and downs. It is a cycle. People are very right when they mention 'cycle' of life. If you're biology scientist, Kreb's cycle probably pop-up in the mind if word cycle is said. Or sometimes people with more mechanical thinking will associated it with bicycle. Whatever it is, life is really ask the best from every thing that live. Unless you're dead, then you have to think, worry and do something in order to keep living.

Selamanya

Selamanya hati ini akan terus mencari
Sudut-sudut rindu yang tersimpan
Mencantum rekahan memori
Mencari warna senyuman warna tangisan
Getaran kata-kata memukul gegendang
Dibawa angin, seperti nama ini di seru
Menghidu wangian menusuk hati
Seolah-olah masih disisi
Walaupun masa berlalu
Segalanya pasti setia di celahan jejari akal
Biar hujan biar panas
Tak akan retak, tak akan lekang

Airmata menitis dalam hati
Hanya menandakan hati terlalu rindu
Mengharapkan masa kembali
Dan masih bersama hingga hujung waktu
Tapi sentiasa bersyukur
Dalam kegelapan ada cinta hadir
Biarpun sendiri, ku bawa mu selamanya

Dedicated to my heart....(^_^)

Japan and Me

Being alone in Japan make me do my thinking a lot. I am able to evaluate the past, current and future of my life. Of course, I don't want to be labelled narcissist or self loving. I just would like to reflect the life, the world and the existence.

Japan showed me the other side of world that I would never imagine. I think west, USA or Europe were overexposed by the media, but not Japan. The idea of Japan that I have was never enough. As a child I love Ultraman, one of my favourite TV show that I would never missed. My friends, cousins and me would flocked together in front of the TV set of my aunt. If we were at the middle of the game, we stopped just for the Ultraman. Ultraman was the saver for Japan which happened to have many giants coming out under the earth or the sea. They need Ultraman. Sigh! If only I knew the reality, I wouldn't stopped playing.

The next drama series that reflected me what was Japan is "Oshin". That drama didn't only affected us, the children but all the mothers in my small village. We were like under the influence of Oshin, the main character of the drama to stick throughout the series and shared the sorrow and success of Oshin. The drama was not only enjoy by us but take the whole Malaysian like storm.

Then, there were other dramas that I watched. And gave me some insight of Japan. However, Japan was never like what I imagine. Unlike India, the one month that I spent there was somehow similar with India that I had in mind. Some of them still bear some grudge against Pakistan. The rich is really rich. Caste is still being conducted there. I even knew some of the words and can understood the culture as I was addicted to Hindi and Tamil movies, when I was small. I make great friends with some of them as the can speak English fluently.

At the end, Japan was not like what I imagine. The culture, the people and the life in Japan are very distinct. They are their own league. I am still savouring the smell of Japan, be it good or not. It bring me the new perspective of life.

Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde

I am not going to discuss the novella. As for Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, I am more interested in the point of human nature can exist as bad as Mr Hyde in the body of Dr Jekyll. In my opinion, Robert Louis Stevenson, the writer had been a very good observant of mankind though based on Wikipedia, the story was based on dream that Stevenson had.

I always believe that we can be as good as angel and otherwise. It is the end of both personality that characterized human. Therefore, to live consciously and being able to distinctly decide of good and evil is a way of life. Clear mind and feeling good or calmness are the two important things that I think could lead us to the better judgement in making decision.

I had an experience that I don't mind forgetting. Nevertheless, I used it to remind myself that I could be the cruel character as Mr Hyde if I am not carefully guard my senses. There was one time when I was in my early 20's. Being very busy with work in the laboratory, live on my own with not enough money to support myself and tired, I was offered to teach a hyperactive boy at my home, personal tuition. One fine day, he was not listening or doing any homework that I assign him, so I just beat his legs, few times. I was not very sure of how hard I did so. Only the next day when his mother complaining that his son can't walk to school because of the pain, I was very shocked. Did I do that which caused him so much pain? I was lucky that his mother did not take this any further then decided to not send him to my house anymore and we stop talking. I tried to mend the relationship but she decided to go against that, so I just let it go.

Still, I keep wondering that how I could do that. Where did my patience or consciousness went that day? Till now, I am always aware that I shall be very careful whenever I am under stress. This story have been never told to others besides my housemates of that time and a very few buddies.

Doing the PhD is very stressful. So, I try to stay aware of myself all the time. Tiring but I don't want to cross the line anymore.