Living in the present

Yes, I have been my own enemy. Living alone is very scary. Thus, I created in my mind a life that I used to have in Malaysia and bring it with me here. Just to provide me with a cushion. Today, I realize that it has to come to an end. Facing a fact that I am alone is the latest challenge for me. I will try to live in the present, accepting that Japan is my land for another two years and new life will be there for me.

I wish that I will meet my life partner who I will love and cannot live without. That person shall be someone who love me and accept me as I am. We will spent our life together and complement each other. We will spent our life laughing and talking and enjoy being with each other company.

Wake, stand, walk, and then run

I am a person with a little patience. One of the trait that I want to change. People who do not know me will say that I am mature and always sober. It happen to be not true. The other side of me will jump out in front of people who I trust enough to let go of the emotions.

Let's stray away from that. We will focus on the patience. At one point of my life, I was very distracted with my study. Living in the hostel from young age of 13 years old, it shouldn't be a problems for me to change school and live in another hostel. But far from what other people thought, it was a problem.

The grades dropped. I was no more the sober type of person. The inner me was cringed inside. World was upside down. As I wasn't in the position to analyse myself, I blamed to new environment. The news went across the mountain and reached my mother.

She did something that I never thought she would do. She sent me a letter. The letter that I cherished up until now.

She mentioned that I should always remember the rabbit and tortoise story. One of the story that she and my father used to tell us when we were young. It was about running towards the finished line. Yes! Tortoise was the one who challenged the over confident rabbit. Surely, rabbit should be the winner as he can run faster that tortoise. But, faith, hard work and glory sometimes had some other things in stored. Tortoise became the winner because he knew that whatever happened he must never laid back and take it easy. His point was to finish the race. So he kept walking and saw rabbit who happened to be the fastest between the two, was behind him at the finish line. This was because rabbit was so sure of himself and stop to take a nap during the race.

She told me that I was the tortoise. I should work my way slowly but surely to the end. Being in the hostel among the rabbit shouldn't make me weak. So, wake up, stand, walk and the run for the success.

Missing Tokushima!!!

The three days and two nights holidays end last night. It was a very interesting journey. I will miss the moments. The driver, Azian, thanks a lot for voluteering to drive us there. Don't drink coffee next time if you want to sleep. Mirza, thanks for the pudding and please make the new apartment dreams become true. Mira, nice to get to know you and welcome to Tokushima. You have a life full of experience in front of you. And please take care of Mirza....(*_*).

Guys, thanks for making the journey unforgettable. We never lost, but we just discovered Chizu!

Holidaying

Tomorrow morning, Azian Mimi (driver, the most experience foreigner among the group), Mirza (co-pilot), Mira (the most junior) and me (the one that can't speak and can't understand Japanese language) will be going to Hiroshima, Tottori, Okayama, then Takamatsu before coming back to Tokushima. We are taking 3 days and 2 night break from the study life as Monday is national holiday.

I can't actually wait for the trip. O'tanoshimini.

By the way, Yati, my friend is going to get enggage tomorrow. Congratulations to her!

The man that I love

Lately, I think a lot about my father. He passed away about 4 years ago, almost four years. The anniversary is around the corner. Probably I just missed him. I never know that I could missed him so much. By the way it is not that I hate him. It was just that we are so different. We had a very different opinions of how one should live their life. Not the basics of it. He taught me of living the life decently. He gave me opportunity to study, whatever I want to study.

Few years before he died, he was sick. The caused was diabetes. (Yes, he love eating. In his opinion, being fat is as same as wealthy). We argued a lot during that time. I guessed he was just so tired with his life and cannot think straight. Me, being very defensive with my life decision. At the end both of us end up being verbal with each other.

Till now, I don't know the real reasons of him being emotionally unstable. Probably his childhood. He never told us much about his life when he was young. I knew that their family used to be rich, but my grandfather gambled all the money for easy life. The easy life for him, not for the entire family of 10 children. My grandfather bought the first car in the village. Spent most of his time outside the house. Rarely at home. Sold all his entire estate before died at a very young age. Left almost nothing to my grandmother who had to work for others to bring up the 10 children.

My father was a middle child of ten. I still don't know the reason he didn't want to further study. He also choose a path that I think was wrong which sent him to be somewhat unsuccessful. The whole life, money was hard on him. Success seems to elude him. He worked very hard to provide us with necessary things, to give better education. However, he also thought that secondary schooling was enough. He was proud that I finished tertiary education. Did the M.Sc. He passed away before I came to Japan.

Being analytical, he was the only person that who was so close but yet so far. I can't figure out reasons of any action that he took. He love me. He love us. But sometimes he seems to love money more. Maybe I was wrong. Hehehe!

I love him. The love is getting deeper by day. Never stop. I just keep thinking why he did what he did. I am at lost when he was gone. He somehow provide a clear axis of which route that I had to take. He never leave us, the family. My brother once told me that he never thought that my father will passed away. Even when he was admitted to the ICU.

When he was in the ICU, I was just thinking that he would be better and come back home with us. We would take care of him even when he would be paralysed. We will take care of him.

May God take care of him now. He had given me the best that he could. I would never blame him. He was the father that I could wish for. Thank you for be my father. I am very sorry for not being able to be the best child that you want. Thanks a lot for everything.

The woman that I love

She is the only woman that have everything over me. Either good or bad, she will always accept and understand me. She influences my life so much, that I could be where I am now.

My mother is the one and only person that curved my life. She knows my strength and weakness and how to persuade her only daughter to move forward. Due to some circumstances, she was not able to fulfill her own wishes. Then, as a mother she wants me to be where I wanted to go. She let me go and taste the world under her guidance spirit and trust and love. I flew over the mountains, rivers, oceans and past the stars. But at the end, I will always come back to the earth to meet her. Be it good or bad, I will always stay with her. Her love make me big, and her love could make me bigger. There is no end of her love which make me love her even more.

Everyday is Mother's Day.

Same feathers flock together

When the proverb was introduced to me, I can't really make up the real meaning of it. Later, someone explained to me about distribution pattern of feathers of bird, (you can get simple explanation about it in the Wikipedia), which then I can get grasped of the meaning.

I like to say that the proverb is true to the T. Why? I will reflected myself as an example. I am not an extrovert, born as a Scorpion. Thus, I always stay behind the curtain, until one day decided to explore the possibility of being on stage. Overnight, I changed myself, being extrovert 'undercover'. But I realized however I changed, the groups of friends that I met were still they same kind of people. I like to be around the introvert. I still don't like to talk bad about other people, being vocal about it and never feel the urge to cross the line (my own line, mind you). By the way, my mother had successfully instilled in my brain that using s**##$$s words are bad.

Then, Japan here I am. Meeting new people. Still I don't like to be around people who doesn't understand about to stand in another man's shoes. I hate that kind of people. I hate people who love the limelight that they will do everything to be in one. Then I realized that since primary school, I guarded myself very much that I never really make friends with the other kind of people beside the one that I comfortable to be with. I choose my friends. And I love being among them. One of the reasons is that they know what it is about trying see world from the other axis and to accept that people is irregular, not a product of any factory. Accepting other people weakness and differences are one of the ways to move forward. Too focus on the weakness and differences will make the person dull. Dull people is not 'omoshoroii' (interesting) to be around.

I met a few dull people here in Tokushima. I wish all the best to them and hope that they will change themselves one day.