Ramadhan in Malaysia

Ramadhan is here. Tomorrow is the day when all Muslim start fasting. Non-muslim may assumed that this fasting is a difficult task to be performed. Nevertheless, it is not.

In Malaysia, it is like a month of festival ending with an eid. You may find food sold at a stall only during this month. And that too at special 'pasar ramadhan', a place like like market but open early to sell food for breaking fast. Hotels will come out with special buffet offer just for breaking fast. In Kelantan, this is the time where we can find many variety of colek. I will upload a picture of colek if I manage to have one.

But then again, I am not able to go back to my hometown to breaking fast with my mother. All due to the Phase 1 Professional Exam which starts tomorrow. I know she must be sad to be alone. I am sorry but I wish I could make it up soon. I planning to go home for few days to spend some quality time with her.

Lastly, i wish Happy Ramadhan to all Muslims. This is another chances to do good deeds.

I missed you already

A friend who is also a colleague and probably more like a big sister is going to move to Kuantan in the end of July, which means that she will be leaving USM as well. She is leaving a big hole in my life in PPSG and in Kelantan, and need a lot of courage to fill it up.

As I was from Kedah with no relative in Kota Bharu, she was the first friend who I met when I started working in PPSG. And she was the one who introduced me to Ina, my best friend. During this 12 years, many things had happened. We are friends, we quarrelled, we make up. She went for her PhD. I went for mine. She came back before I came back. We did what friend does and it is now coming to the other end of our friendship. It is not the end, end. The end here means that we are not going to see each other as much as we wish because Kuantan and Kota Bharu is like 6 hours drive.

The pain is like a gentle stroke of a pin into my heart. I don't know where to point the pain is, but I know my heart is crying.

The wind is changing direction

I can feel that there are wind of changes in my professional life. Personally, I want it to change and God is helping me in shaping it. I don't know about how would it be at the end, but I am praying that it will be for the best, for everybody. I am not moving out, but I guess I will be moving about.

I want to note here that I am happy with my plan of evolving. I have done this once 24 years back when I was in secondary school. The life and my decision to live my life at that time made it very dull and static. Well, I was one of the students living in the hostel of Sultanah Asma Secondary School. The decision to stay at the hostel was handed down from my father with a consensus of my mother, although my great grandfather (who was very dear to me and pampered me a lot) was against it. At the end, the power of the parents has been always above everything else that matters. Then, there I was, away from home and families. And what can a young, timid and naive girls at the age of 13 can do much. I was a geeky kind of girl who read, study, cheer others up, eat and sleep. I can't help that my English language was tremendously weak that I can't understand some words lavishly spoken by most of my classmates. Which at the end, all that we can get was a young girl with budding inferiority complexes. Adding to the pain was the fact that there were differences in social-economic background between us. However, I endured all the troubles and not so interesting life and never once allowed it to jeopardize my academic life. Why? Because it was my ticket out of that monotonous life.

I was among the top 10 achievers of SRP examination that year of that school (and I got a prize given by the Sultanah of Kedah during school awards giving ceremony) and was offered a place in MRSM Beseri. I went there with an intention to go against the current, get into the power, be in charge and live happily. Although I never really had the power, the life was improving a lot. I became talkative, more approachable, had many friends and laughed a lot.

This is my plan. I want to open up a bit to life, love a bit, pray a lot and let Him do the rest.

We don't have all the answers

I love science because it is an answer to me. Behavioral study divides human nature into a few types. Mine is the one who are born with a lot of curiosity. I choose to be a scientist since it helps me satisfying the curiosity. The scientist, professionally, conducting research in order to answer certain question which is known as a hypothesis. They are trying to prove it wrong. Anyway, if I could, I would like to be a policewoman, a spy or there are a lot more other professions which garnered answers based on inquisitiveness, but I guess a scientist is a cool one. 

But as much as we try, I don't think science can provide answers to everything. There are many moments in life where we just do not know the answer and have to live with it. Or we just don't know. This is where the divine one plays a role. One of the recent examples is MH370. Whatever the speculation or conspiracy theories, there are, we can't come to any conclusion. Many books will come up. Many movies will be made. Many stories will creep in. However, it will remain a mystery until one fine day, the One decides to show us who is with the real power. 

After it went missing, the first thing that came up in  my mind was that the world has never been smaller. It was us who thought so. In reality, globalization has never made this small world. We, the human race, think we have kept the planet earth in between our two fingers. This has never really happened. With all the technologies that we have to destroy the earth, "nuclear weapon", we still can't find this tiny piece of the airplane. What a technology we have! 

At the end, human remains the small creature in this big universe. As much as I want to know everything, I still know nothing.

Find the formula to be better....

Whatever others think of me, I will always say that I am not born to be this 'positive'. It is just that I read a lot when I was young and miserable and found a formula. Besides, I am readily believe in anything that I read because at that moment the way out of that sadness is my only focus.

I still remember one article in a local newspaper which discussed about low self esteemed personality. This type of personality will never even look at the mirror and never acknowledge themselves if they happened to see their own image. It then clicked me that I was the person discussed. The article also mentioned of how to changed and get rid of that inferiority complex. I did follow the advises and it took me many years to prove myself. It was a long journey but worthy.

I am not trying to tell how good I am. It is just to dispatch an idea that we may be able to change ourselves if we embrace the idea changes are possible. Be opened and leave the security umbrella, but never forget the root because it keeps us grounded.

Small talk of a mother is a big talk of love

I always perceived myself as a busy lady. For the pas 4 years, that was my new mantra; 'busy lady'. But then again,  I am busy. However, that should not stop one from having a small talk to get to know thy neighbour or colleague.

She is the tea lady who helps me a lot if I in need of something out of ordinary, such as 'serunding'. She did helped in few occasions especially when hari raya was fast approaching. But today, she did more than that. 

We were talking about serunding when she noticed a picture of an actress posing in a newspaper. Suddenly the topic switched, she started voicing her concerned regarding children nowadays. I can see her worry, as a mother and how she is now the one responsible to any of their deeds. The talked last more then 10 minutes. Longer then I expected. Her expression was truly genuine. I can see her points. 

I can't say much because I am not a mother myself, but a mother is always a mother. However,  I can't fathom whatever was in the head of a mother who was found to leave his oku son unattended till he was left with bone and skin. Maybe I don't understand her situation,  but I just want to wish her and her son the very best.

Guarding one heart

I have a successful and an ideal life, one of my friend mentioned one day. Alas, that is far from true. The truth is I might have a contented life. Anyway, that is not the point that I want to share, which is my view of myself.t

I do have friend and they are dear to my heart. At time, I will go at length to fulfill their wishes. It is easy for me to do those things because of the friendship labelled. However,  when it comes to one level up, I do not have the heart. I keep my heart closes to the chest chamber and guarded it in fierce.

It may comes from the fact that trusting is an issue when it has something to do with my heart. I know I can be easily fooled,  which is why I opt not to trust so easily in the matter of heart. Well, I might miss a lot because of that, but I can't see other options. Deep down I want to love and be loved. Maybe some other time where the life is less complicated.