Inner voice talks nonsense

Work, travel and family leave me less time to be with myself. And it also opens a large window of interaction with other people and places. While these activities gave me a boost of energy, it also drained up as quickly as it came. Like usual, this triggered my inner voice.

Most of the time I will talk to myself, and it only happens in my mind. With this situation, the amount of self-talk increases. If the talking is all positive, that is okay. However, once awhile negative talking creeps in and disturbed the serenity.

Is this just me being tired? Huh!

Tack! Say it the Swedish way...

I came for a conference on stem cell research.  An annual meeting for ISSCR 2015, hold in Stockholm, Sweden. Today is my flight home, which means another 24 hours plus of travel, back to Malaysia.

My colleague and I took a taxi to our hotel, New World Hotel from Arlanda Airport on the first day after we reached. The taxi driver who used to come to Malaysia and had a construction company in Koh Samui taught us, tack, a thank you in Swedish.

The weather should be summer, but nothing of Japan's summer. Based on a few blogs that I had visited, I had a few layers of light warm clothes with a windbreaker, and it helped. Yesterday was the best weather so far that we had, and so we decided to skip the closing ceremony, and took a hop on hop us bus, and went to the best part of the town quickly. Anyway, Stockholm is the most expensive city, so not many things I could do or buy. Sigh!

Tack, and hopefully could see this place again next time.

Look down, look up...

What can I say about this new post? Not much. It just eats out my time and let me know the true face of humanity.

I always want to learn about new things. Being appointed to this new position, I learn a lot of things. The work and responsibility, yes. But the other face, the truth of being among people I considered as friends.

There are really many king makers behind me, although I myself, love to be a king maker. These people were the ones who push me to this level, not that I like to be here. The reason I accepted the post is that, I hate to see this office in a mess. And that alone. To stay and be "a member of front benches society" is not my thing. I can't see the whole picture here. I can only look down.

This position also showed me that not all people who we consider as friends would love the idea that I am in a better position at a same institution. There are friends who always be my friends, support, applaud and all.  And "frenemy", who suddenly vanished like a thin air.

But the additional pay is good. That one, I can accept.

Lovely childhood memories

If anything, I would like to have an imaginary friend to play with when I was young. Alone, that's the price I have to pay by being the only girl, to toughen up against two younger brothers, although both of them are not bullying types. Thank God for that.

But then, I have aunties,  younger sisters of my mother, who are not much older than me. All of us would got together once a while; playing making house, cooking or wedding. Neighbourhood children would eventually joined the band after seeing us flocking behind my grandparents house under the rambutan's trees.

I enjoyed those days, and today, a book brought me back to the days.

I was and am full of imagination. One fine day, thinking about one of my uncle who was an army, I jotted down an imaginary map of his so called army tactical. The map includes the bonkers, army camps and all the necessary things, in a minds of a ten years old child. Maybe it was my reading or my attachment to TV's programme,  but when my a much older aunty saw it ly on the ground, she made a big fuss over it. She thought that it was fallen out of my uncle's pocket. There were a lot of dramas, until I came forward and admitted that it was mine.

I smile whenever I think of that incident.

Letting go

I know what I want in life. I am living my dream, as a scientist. However, as people always mention, there is nothing on the top of the mountain; only you and yourself. And so, I keep finding new mountain to be conquered.

But then again, too many mountains and too many dedications make me tired. I am letting go some of the mountains, although I love them dearly. If I can't help myself, I am sure I can't help others.

Let it go!

I am quitting

Everytime this happens, I always try to convince myself that I should be the one with the big heart. I shall be mature enough to let bygone be bygone and forgive, then forget.

But now, I am not sure if I should be continuing doing, for my own sake. I want to be happy and stress free. I want to be in love with my life, from every angle. I want to be able to smile wholeheartedly.

Life could be so mysterious that, sometimes I feel so dumbfounded, cannot go anywhere or make any decision because all the directions left me with little choices in being me. I am angry, but can't express it because I don't like the after-angry feeling. I am not satisfied, but I can't express it because I know that it will make me look stupid, or I think that I look stupid. Patience and tomorrow, is my only savior. But then again, these two take time and they are killing me.

I wish that I don't have to go through this anymore. I am quitting from this relationship. I gave-up!

End of a battle

He passed away last night, ended his battle against prostate cancer. I never get a chance to meet him although we live nearby, or should I say, I never create a chance to meet him. He was ( a little awkward to use 'was' for him) a big person, who lived a humble life.

Thank you for the lessons taught. You will always be my model Muslim. I will miss him.

May God bless him always.

I love day

I'm in love with life. Each and every day, I find new things to be loved about.  I find that people are interesting. I can love a person without any condition attached. And I love myself, by not losing me under any circumstances.

I love my best friend who is thinking of me she is in need. I love my other best friend who is willing to me mumbles in frustration, though she was busy handling her kids bathing, and that too through phone.

I love to listen to good news from hom.  My uncle who just came back from a medical check up told me that his condition is alright, nothing to worry.

I love that Noza thinks that I can help her, and I love to help.

I can't stop writing about my lovely day, but since I am still having a lot to do, I need to stop anyway.

A false alarm

Life has taken a lot of twist and turn since 24th December 2014, where the big flood or also known as the "River Tsunami" affected the whole Kelantan, and only two districts were spared. I can't actually straighten my feeling and compartmentalised it, for my own sake. By doing that, I can help overcome the overwhelming feeling. People need to do what it takes  in order to survive, and it is my surviving skills.

Yesterday, I sent Maru to the clinics and boarded her in because she has an infection in her left eye. Hoping that she will get better soon, especially with her being very choosy about eating. Well, she has a strong string attached to my heart because I felt like losing something when she was not around last night. Oh! My! With many things running around my mind, I just hope that my blood pressure doesn't suddenly jump up. That's one of the reasons I asked Ezah for blood pressure testing this afternoon when out of sudden I felt a rushed of heat around my my shoulders to the ears. Thank God, that was only a false alarm. Probably because of the new computer table.

The social me...finally!

I thought I am an introvert, until I met a true blue introvert. She is like a textbook of an introvert. Every description of an introvert definitely fall into her lines of characters. It is like studying another perspective of human being. And it is definitely not me.

I love human. I love small talk. But, at times I will behave like an introvert, curled up in my own cocoon, thinking and feeling depressed because I have told others of myself too much. Then it occurs to me that it maybe because of inferiority complex, which details I came across about 20 years back. Probably because of my family background, and experiences or my look. But then again, those were histories.

I am extrovert, to the T.

Time and again...

I am trying my best to be a good person, to have a positive outlook on life, and to think clearly each day. But then again, I am just a human being, with all the flaws. There will be days when by heart goes against my mind. And there will be days where my feeling cloud my judgement. And there will be time my anger superseded my love. Those days may be rare, but there would be there.

I have been trying to forgive myself for all it's worth, to be that lovable person. Only God knows how much I have tried. If I fail, please pardon me, time and again.

The aftermath

The after flood sceneries are at their worst. I haven't been to Kuala Krai or Gua Musang, but received a lot of feedback through my colleagues who went there for community works. These people need a lot of help for them to stand tall again.

Our deputy dean of community service is actively seeking donations and she hasn't stopped going to those places affected by the flood since the day she came back from her trip. She was away when the flood took place. The lady was deeply concerned with the scenario of the victims, that she has sleepless nights.

Adapting

Added responsibilities mean less hours for myself. On top of that, my best friend, Ina, who just started working after 3 months of maternity leave asked me to accompany her and her new baby at night, sleepover at her house, three times per weeks. And another less time with Maru. 

So, these activities have gone on since past two weeks. 

Although I enjoy doing all these because they limits my alone time, but my sleep patterns as well as my eating patterns have changed. Any changes will surely need some adaptation. 

I am adapting. 

Hope that my mood remains calm, placid and compose during the period.

Going home, finally!

After almost, two and half month, I am going back to my hometown. To visit my mom, siblings, nieces,  nephew, and my extended families. I missed them terribly. The initial long holiday was planned to start right before Chrismast until a couple days before the new year. But God has another plan for us in KB. The little tsunami not only caused extreme flood in Kelantan, but the rain made me stuck in KB. Well, the land road to my hometown was close due to landslide.

Things have been getting back to normal in KB, although in other parts I doubt that it will be anytime soon.

Hope the journey back home will be a good one.

Love her anyway

A decision had been made, about sometimes ago. I will live my life in an objective, my lifetime objective. There will be no other way for it. 

As for love, I will give in, full heartedly. I will never make any queries and ask anything back or have any expectation. I will love anything, anyone or any conditions. Love will be my biggest quest of living my life. And all those are for one objective. A reason that worth everything that I thought I owned, but it was given. 

I just fall in love with this one person, who is lovely outside but fragile inside. But I will love her anyway, because she is my responsibility as another human being and as a sister. I know that it will be a big task, but she is here because He wants it that way. 

New year and new post!

Bigger responsibility means that we have less time in hand. And people thought that young individuals don't have an opinion.

Those are two things that I have in mind right now.

I was elected by my colleagues to take care deputy office for a year. Thus, last two weeks, my works began. But the original one didn't want to move out of the office yet, which left me with no choice but to work from my office. I don't mind because I would prefer my current office better. But, meeting after meeting made me tired, mentally and physically. Yesterday, I skipped breakfast and lunch. Thank God, Masi joined me for a dinner, a proper one.

And then, my acting chief of staff question my decision to have a meeting. Come on! It's January and we are supposed to prepare for 2015. No meeting means no preparation for the whole year to come. I am not new to the school and I know my job!

But, we are all human. We forgive, forget and move on!

Happy New Year 2015. All the best!

Maru's pregnancy

Maru second pregnancy is a lot better on her. She seems okay with her conditions, only at times, she sleeps a lot. Her appetites is normal nowadays, not too picky with food anymore. I'm trying to provide her with varieties of can fishes. This time, I pray the babies will survive.

A garden full of love

Love is like a beautiful flower which I may not touch, but whose fragrance makes the garden a place of delight just the same.
                                                                                                                                         Helen Keller

I am delighted to have her around. Getting to know someone is a process of understanding oneself. I am not doing a favor for her, but instead of myself. She is like a reflection of a younger me, got overwhelmed by this world that countless times left me helpless. At times, I was left wondering of my existence and purposes, till one day that I realized, enough is enough! I may let the water run over me or I just keep paddling the boat to stay afloat. 

The journey in this world has never been easy. It will never be easy. That is not the reason we are here, to live an easy life. One has to search for their purpose. I have found mine. 

She is a wandering soul and sometimes, when I saw her like that, my heart shrank with pain. I wish I could do a lot more for her. 

I wish I could be a garden full of roses for her. 

Who are to blame?

Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love. Albert Einstein.

Life teaches us about many things, including love and hate. We keep falling in love, and falling out of love. The love sometimes turns into hatred.

And normally, we will try to blame others of our shortcomings. As best as human tries to run away from their human nature, it keeps popping up. Well, we can keep arguing till death. Nothing can stop us from doing so. We can just for the sake of blaming, take gravity as a cause of us falling in love. But then again, we know the truth, deep down in our heart.

We may be able to run and hide, but as a saying goes, 'Thing happens for a reason'. Just stand up and accept the fact that things do happen, and they could be a good reason behind it. We might not know about it today, but eventually we will come to know about it.

So, of me falling in love, I must take the full responsibility.

The fault is mine

Love to faults is always blind. William Blake. 1908.

And it is my weakness., that I can love to the faults. And be blind to the watching world and the witnesses of my stupidity. 

I am givers who had bent down on my knee begging for love because the sorrow that surrounded me was too much to swallow. I let go of the string that attached to my heart long ago, threw the only key to my heart in the middle of the night into a deep lake. The pain has long gone, but I still afraid of asking for love, touching love. I can only give my empathy, but not love. 

The fault is mine, because I love to the faults. 

Malaysia closing in year 2014 with heartache!

Today is only 3rd of January of 2015, but I am still surviving 2014. The big flood in some parts of Malaysia, especially Kelantan and particularly Kota Bharu,  left me dumbfounded. I was speechless for a few days. On top of that, another plane crisis took place. Although it was an Indonesia's Air Asia, the parent company belong to Malaysia. Thus, it was Malaysia third plane accident, which happened one after another in 2014. 

What a year Malaysia?!! We pray, we unite and we will survive!