Making decision

I am a realistic and a very very very passionate kind of person. This was written in me when I was born as a scorpio. If I have passion of something, I will try to get it at all cost (money) as my mother once said. This is because I don't regards money very much if compared the the passion. At that moment, I am not thinking with head anymore but with THE heart. This has caused me a lot of problems.

The latest was before I went home for holidays on October this year. When I came here to study, I wanted to do a very best research in my lifetime. I though that PhD is the end of my academia's life. But then, I was and am frustrated to find this laboratory that I am now is a very safe laboratory. I am sure to graduate with the scroll and with a few articles published in the international journal. However, the methodology, the findings and the techniques are all not as I wanted.

As usual, I rebelled. It affected my study. When I went back to Malaysia, I quarelled with the the person that I always rely on. Life was sucks. I was like a molecule of an atom that is in agitated condition. Even the realistic me was very schocked of my passionate me but couldn't do anything.

Then again, the holidays really give me something to ponder upon. Talking to my mother face to face did touch my heart a little. We talked and she tried to see my problem from my point of view. That was when I told her that I will stay in Japan if somebody tell me something that I want to hear.

I called and asked most people who really cares about my academics success. Everybody somehow were saying the same thing. Stay for the future! But for different reasons. One day my friend, Kannan asked me to make a desicion because if not I will keep looking for an answer. And wasting time. I told him "I will after 3 weeks".

At the end of week three, I searched for Esah contact. The person that I want to talk to but afraid of the outcome of our so called discussion. She always talk from the heart with full passion. I called and we talked. She understood my passion. She understood my frustration. And she eventually touched my heart.

The desicion is that I will stay here for myself but not for the passion. I will seek the passion elsewhere. I will do the researches because I love it and wanted to publish some articles, but not because this is the last time I will go through this academia's life.

With God's will (I think He has answered my prayer), I will make do with this problems and turn them into opportunities....(^_^)!